What to do next?

"Beginnings are scary, Endings are normally sad, But its the middle that counts." -Hope Floats

As anyone who knew me in Michigan could tell you, I didn't want to move here to Durham. And trust me when I tell you that I have never been more scared as when I had to drive off from home and get to Durham all by myself and start living in some hotel the night before i started at Duke.

I have to say I have probably never been so scared in my life.

At the end of my first week here, I was watching TNT or something and Hope Floats came on. At the end of the movie, Sandra Bullock gives her monologue and this is her last quote. At that moment it just hit me how true it is.

Beginnings are always scary... I was scared to start college, but look how much I loved every moment. The end was pretty much the saddest thing ever. I have never cried when leaving people before. And even though I am not at the end of Durham (but hopefully going to soon leave Duke...), my middle here has certainly been worth the fear. I love my friends, and it has been all good.

But, I think it is my fear of new beginnings that is keeping me from actually doing anything at all. I want a new job, so why then am I not actually looking?

Because, as I have learned this year, when I get scared I become paralyzed. When I don't want to have to make a decision, I avoid it. I just don't do it. That is what I am doing here. Yes, I want to leave my job, but I am scared that may mean moving. I don't want to have to start over again. Besides, starting a new job may mean trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Rather than look, I am just paralyzed.

But, I need to remember this... although the beginning may be scary, and the ending of this job/ time in Durham may be sad... it is the time I have been here that counts. I have awesome friends, learned a ton about myself, and really realized that I need to feel like I am making a difference in the world.

I don't know what is next, but I am excited to learn.

May I just not be paralyzed, and instead motivated to find out.