Disconnect

I mentioned yesterday that I was feeling a little bit out of sorts. It feels a lot like a fog has just settled in. In some ways, I just don't feel like myself. Its kind of hard to explain, but that is probably the best way to describe it "feeling" wise.

I am trying to figure out why I feel the way I do. I think a lot of it has to do with being (and feeling) disconnected. I feel disconnected from my family, disconnected from my friends, and mostly disconnected from God. There are reasons for each, some circumstantial, some my fault, some I can pinpoint reasons for and some that I can't. Anyway... it is just frustrating and tiring and has caused some hard times recently.

So, I feel disconnected from my family... I think part of this is just the cleaving process. I don't depend on them in the same way as I have in the past. And that is ok, but it is just an adjustment. It is weird to feel like a "visitor" in my parents house, my home. And then it is just weird to not feel like my apartment is home. Because it is my "home" but in some ways it isn't. Maybe I should start trying to process and think through what the definition of a home is.

I also feel disconnected from my friends. I spent all but the first weekend of November on the road. It is hard not to go to church for three weeks in a row; i felt disconnected from the church body. I also just feel like because I was gone to Michigan for two weeks and then at Fall Retreat the other (where I was helping to run it, so I didn't always get to do things), that I just haven't had some good solid hang out time. I have been working on that. Last night I had roomie time with Laura, and I have to say that for a bit, the fog lifted. That was glorious. So, I am going to keep working on that.

But I also feel disconnected from the Lord. And in some ways, isn't that the most concerning? I know we all go through valleys, so this is a valley. I just don't know how to begin to climb out. I think I have begun some of that process by asking people to pray for me, and by being vulnerable and telling Jenn, Laura, Rachel and a couple of others about how I feel. But now comes the hard part for me... I need to take the steps of faith and have action behind my faith. I can't remember if I have ever told you all this, but I don't feel this great need to spend time with God. I am a firm believer that the way you view God is greatly affected by how you view your earthly father. My Dad is a wonderful man who loves me as close to unconditionally as humanly possible. I know this with 100% confidence and in some ways that is awesome. I trust fully that my heavenly Father feels the same way about me. But, my Dad and I aren't always close, especially emotionally. There are many reasons behind this, and that is ok. But it doesn't mean that it isn't hard. And because i don't feel this need to emotionally connect with my dad on any semi-regular basis, it is the same with the Lord. And I think I also struggle to have "Quiet Time" regularly because i also don't know how I best connect with Christ... is it through musical worship? prayer? the Bible? Is there a good book out there that would help me with this?

So yea... I think that is how I am feeling. There are some other circumstantial things that have also brought some of this out... as well as my past and my insecurities. Can you all just pray for me? My roommate challenged me last night to come up with a couple of things I would like to change and work on them. She said it could be as simple as find something I like to do and make time for it once a week. So here is what I am thinking about doing:

- make time to Scrapbook once a week
- get up early and have an extended time of prayer for myself, my friends, and my family
- go to Panera/Starbucks/somewhere once a week for extended quiet time
- try to find a book on connecting with God and read it
- call my parents once a week and make an effort to talk to my dad
- call my brother once a week
- find a working definition of a home
- attempt to make my apartment feel like a "home"
- overall, be more intentional.

What do you think? Keep me accountable... pray for me. Thanks for listening (well, reading!).