Walls and Word Vomit

Warning: If you don't like the word vomit, then don't read any further. I will be using it occasionally (but take comfort in the fact that I am not talking about actual vomit here).

First- let's define Word Vomit. I first heard this phrase from a girl I lived with the summer after my Junior Year; I stayed in Ann Arbor that summer for my Internship at Pulte Homes. I sublet at 710 Catherine house and one night I stayed up late talking with Nikki. She was going through some rough moments and she "word vomited" in her words. It is basically what it sounds like: all the words to describe what you are going through just come right on out of your mouth, almost in way you can't control. So there you go- word vomit.

That being said, I don't word vomit. At least not often. And most likely not about things I haven't dealt with. I have walls and they are high my friends. If I have dealt with something I am feeling then I'll probably be willing to talk to you about it.

If I haven't then most likely not.

I don't like being vulnerable.

And its not that in the midst of being vulnerable that I mind it.

It's the way Saran attacks me afterwards. I just regret it. I question why I ever said those things. I feel dumb. I feel like an idiot for letting my guard down, for letting people see me as weak.

And while I know accountability and being vulnerable is a good thing, I just don't do it.

I am working on it and have made improvements by leaps and bounds over the last couple of years. But I am learning that I need someone to ask me questions, someone I trust to do it, too. If not, I probably won't be offering up the material (in my head I think, why bother them with that information, they don't want to know).

In fact, I am now realizing I want my closest friends to ask me about it they notice something. Why are you so sad? What are you learning about? What are you reading? Do you like that boy? Are you feeling fulfilled at church? Do you miss being in a Bible Study?

But they don't, and yet I expect them to. So now I am trying to decide how to tell them that I want to be asked. That I want to be pursued in that way. That is one way I feel loved...

So what is the point of this rambling entry? Pray for me... Pray that I would be open with people... that I would lower my walls (especially with those people who are closest to me) and that i would learn how to word vomit.