:-) :-) :-)

Remember this post many moons ago? Yea, I have been working on different aspects of this list of goals (I was going to revisit it as well as this list and this list of resolutions at some point this month)... and do I have news for you!

My personal gmail account has ONLY TWO EMAILS IN IT RIGHT NOW!!! The other day I had only one in it, but I want to wait to respond to my best friend until I have more to tell her (she doesn't need to know about my day to day boring life- only the exciting stuff). And the other email is some notes on a post I am working through right now. So, if I get my act together... it could be sitting at ZERO very soon!

And my work email? AT ONLY FOUR EMAILS!!! Ack! I cannot even express to you the feeling of freedom I have right now. Oh man... I will try to remember how this feels to continue to motivate me to respond to emails in a timely manner.

Any bets on how long this will last?

Disconnect

I mentioned yesterday that I was feeling a little bit out of sorts. It feels a lot like a fog has just settled in. In some ways, I just don't feel like myself. Its kind of hard to explain, but that is probably the best way to describe it "feeling" wise.

I am trying to figure out why I feel the way I do. I think a lot of it has to do with being (and feeling) disconnected. I feel disconnected from my family, disconnected from my friends, and mostly disconnected from God. There are reasons for each, some circumstantial, some my fault, some I can pinpoint reasons for and some that I can't. Anyway... it is just frustrating and tiring and has caused some hard times recently.

So, I feel disconnected from my family... I think part of this is just the cleaving process. I don't depend on them in the same way as I have in the past. And that is ok, but it is just an adjustment. It is weird to feel like a "visitor" in my parents house, my home. And then it is just weird to not feel like my apartment is home. Because it is my "home" but in some ways it isn't. Maybe I should start trying to process and think through what the definition of a home is.

I also feel disconnected from my friends. I spent all but the first weekend of November on the road. It is hard not to go to church for three weeks in a row; i felt disconnected from the church body. I also just feel like because I was gone to Michigan for two weeks and then at Fall Retreat the other (where I was helping to run it, so I didn't always get to do things), that I just haven't had some good solid hang out time. I have been working on that. Last night I had roomie time with Laura, and I have to say that for a bit, the fog lifted. That was glorious. So, I am going to keep working on that.

But I also feel disconnected from the Lord. And in some ways, isn't that the most concerning? I know we all go through valleys, so this is a valley. I just don't know how to begin to climb out. I think I have begun some of that process by asking people to pray for me, and by being vulnerable and telling Jenn, Laura, Rachel and a couple of others about how I feel. But now comes the hard part for me... I need to take the steps of faith and have action behind my faith. I can't remember if I have ever told you all this, but I don't feel this great need to spend time with God. I am a firm believer that the way you view God is greatly affected by how you view your earthly father. My Dad is a wonderful man who loves me as close to unconditionally as humanly possible. I know this with 100% confidence and in some ways that is awesome. I trust fully that my heavenly Father feels the same way about me. But, my Dad and I aren't always close, especially emotionally. There are many reasons behind this, and that is ok. But it doesn't mean that it isn't hard. And because i don't feel this need to emotionally connect with my dad on any semi-regular basis, it is the same with the Lord. And I think I also struggle to have "Quiet Time" regularly because i also don't know how I best connect with Christ... is it through musical worship? prayer? the Bible? Is there a good book out there that would help me with this?

So yea... I think that is how I am feeling. There are some other circumstantial things that have also brought some of this out... as well as my past and my insecurities. Can you all just pray for me? My roommate challenged me last night to come up with a couple of things I would like to change and work on them. She said it could be as simple as find something I like to do and make time for it once a week. So here is what I am thinking about doing:

- make time to Scrapbook once a week
- get up early and have an extended time of prayer for myself, my friends, and my family
- go to Panera/Starbucks/somewhere once a week for extended quiet time
- try to find a book on connecting with God and read it
- call my parents once a week and make an effort to talk to my dad
- call my brother once a week
- find a working definition of a home
- attempt to make my apartment feel like a "home"
- overall, be more intentional.

What do you think? Keep me accountable... pray for me. Thanks for listening (well, reading!).

Random Thoughts

*update* I thought I had lost this post earlier today... but alas Blogger thought it would be nice to me and really save this (despite it not being here this afternoon)... :-)

TRL

I don't know about you all but I can remember when TRL was just Carson Daly and a black background playing the top requested videos... then it went live and went to the studio in Times Square. I can remember being in NYC in High School and being so excited just to SEE the windows of TRL. Now sadly, it has been said that TRL is being retired... and really, I guess it is about time. 10 years!?!?! When did I get old?

Boys

There is far too much detail to go into it here... but just know that boys are STUPID. Sorry if you are from the male species and are offended by the previous statement. But from my personal experience of the last week or so... Boys are just plain stupid... don't know what they want and aren't willing to go for it.

Discipline

I am pretty sure this isn't the first time I have written about this idea before.

Discipline.

For someone who is as organized as I am at times... I truly lack discipline and even sometimes follow through. Over time, I have gotten better. Maybe I never had good work habits... school up through college (and even at times in college) came very easy for me. I could put in little to just enough work and still get good grades.

Well, now it is catching up with me! This job is CRAZY... I could work all day long seven days a week and never sleep... and still not get everything done. My Inbox is ugly... both at work and at home. My room is a mess. I feel like I am not a good friend. And it is probably because I am not the best at budgeting my time.

So, I am beginning to work on it. I am vowed not to start watching any new shows this season. I am sticking to my One Tree Hill, Road Rules/Real World Challenge, House, and that is probably it. I am giving up Grey's Anatomy, American Idol, and others. I don't need to waste my time idly in front of the TV.

Now, I just need to get home and not play on the computer...

But, what do I want to do with my free time? Lots of things. How about some goals?
-Read one new book a month
-Complete one scrapbook page a week
-Keep my room clean and picked up
-Keep my personal Inbox at "zero" messages to return
-Keep my work Inbox at less than 10

Think it is manageable? I don't know... I'll have to ask you, blog world, and my roommate to ask me how it is going.

Soda

I have a never ending battle with soda. I love the stuff... and just can't seem to manage to cut it out of my diet for more than 3 or 4 months at a time.

This time around I am trying to slowly cut it out of my diet.

September was when I stopped buying it from the grocery store (and I only slipped up once by buying a 20oz Sunkist).

October I am no longer going to buy it at sit down restaurants, or at lunch on Sundays.

Then in November, it is cold-turkey. No more soda. Anyone want to help me on that one?

Sign-off

There is still more to tell you, but I need to get back to work. But this will be the last topic for today. Sadly, on Tuesday night... my computer at home crashed. I am currently mourning the loss of it... it can be fixed, but it takes time and time is not something I have a ton of right now. Luckily, God provides in different ways and about two weeks earlier I got a laptop for work. So, I can at least use that one.

Enjoy your Thursday. Hopefully I'll be back to blog tomorrow or this weekend about my thoughts on money, budgeting and why I suck at that, too. But, also my thoughts on how to approach it differently from now on.

Goals for 08

Saw this on another blog... loved the idea... Here's what i have so far...

Try to save a little more money.
Reduce Credit Card Debt.
Eat more fruits and veggies.
Don't beat myself up when I fail at eating more fruits and veggies.
Try to make more eye contact with people when I talk to them.
Stop complaining to people.
Cut down my alarm snoozing by 40% (or more!).
Avoid Red Lobster and other fake seafood places.
Actually work at work for 8 hours most days.
Joke w/ people about "casual relationships," especially if that idea makes them uncomfortable.
Start writing a book.
Avoid getting a tattoo.
Maintain my weight.
Spend a little less time in my Google Feed Reader.
Spend a little less time watching TV.
Spend a little less time obsessing over celebrity world.
Turn 25 years old on November 10th.
Floss more.
Spend less time caring that I don't floss.
Go somewhere on vacation other than Michigan.
Work out more... or atleast walk everyday.
Refuse to watch "The Hills."
Vote for someone to be our next president.
Eat more salad and less fast food.
Make the "Play Artist Michael Bolton" joke whenever I get into a friend's car.
Cook dinner for myself more often.
Talk to my family and friends on the phone more.
Get better at staying within my spending budget.
Avoid doing drugs, especially those with caffeine in them.
Drink more water and less Coke.
Read Don Miller's new book.
Read more books in general.
Tell those who matter to me I love them more.

So, some of these are serious... some are more sarcastic... some I will definitely be able to do... some will probably never happen. Ask me about them... keep me accountable!